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Greg Hardy Announces New Career As Ghostbuster

After losing three straight fights by TKO, Greg Hardy has rolled into free agency and announced his intention to begin a new career as a ghostbuster.

At UFC 272, Hardy (7-5 MMA, 4-5 UFC) suffered yet another stoppage defeat on the ground, a place where he’s struggled to survive in the past. Moldovan heavyweight Serghei Spivac quickly dragged him to the canvas and finished the fight with ground-and-pound in Round 1. While he did not appear to go unconscious, the most concerning moment of the fight occurred when Hardy appeared to emit a high-pitched scream and flail his arms at an invisible phantasm or poltergeist as doctors and commission officials attempted to help him onto a stool.

After the fight, Hardy released a statement in an Instagram post. With his UFC contract complete, Hardy specified his next career move: parapsychology or, in layman’s terms, ghostbusting.

“I’m okay, first of all, for those who wanna know,” Hardy posted. “No excuses, I gotta get better. I don’t know what to do but say sorry. Secondly, yes, I was attacked by a ghost. The atmosphere started to get a little bit colder as the fight drew on. There was a chill, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and the fire exit doors flew open with a sudden loud bang. Then Spivac threw me to the ground like a sack of lemons and had his way with me. Anyway, thank you coaches and training partners and agents @firstroundmgmt. Everyone did their job, except for me. There are no excuses for me lacking, aside from my supernatural assault by a Class-5 full-roaming vapor. Like so many of my ex-girlfriends, I refuse to die and I have to re-evaluate my life, for sure. I’m thinking of going back to college to finish my doctorates in psychology and parapsychology, and become a ghostbuster.”

Despite being so unpopular that he is now being assailed by undead spirits in the octagon, forcing him to change his career path yet again, the mercy of God is reportedly so great that even sins as wicked as Hardy’s will be forgiven when he turns his life over to Jesus Christ.